change.

this morning, for the first time in four years, i woke up to a song other than "wonderwall". it's something i never really noticed until i was abruptly woken up by the default verizon wireless ringtone. it was a change.

whether you are a democrat or a republican, now is the time for change. things have been the same for a really long time and a lot of people are figuring out that it is not working so well. it's time for the status-quo to be shaken up a bit. it can be a scary thing sometimes. especially now.

last night, barack obama was elected to be the 44th president of the united states. it's finally over. after everything that has gone into this election, america has spoken. and they want change. i cannot say that i am surprised at all by obama's election - not only was this victory predicted in the early polls, but i was able to see the widespread support for obama on my own college campus.

although i was not particularly pleased with the outcome of the election, i am discouraged and quite frankly, annoyed, with the way that some people have reacted to obama's victory. i think there is a way of expressing your disappointment with the election in a way that is classy and intelligent sounding. last night, when obama's victory was announced, i watched various facebook statuses change - either celebratory or in clear disagreement with the outcome.

i thought that john mccain's speech last night was one that reflected the true unity of the american people. not that i expected him to express his bitterness, but i was especially impressed by his amount of class. i can't say that i would be able to do that after such a close, intense and emotional election. however, the way some people have reacted is completely ludicrous, in my opinion. i am about to post a few of my favorite facebook statuses - i apologize if one of them is yours. truth is, i would tell you to your face how ridiculous you are being.

- ____________ is no longer proud of be an American.
- ____________ is thinking about which country he wants to move to that does not have an ignorant piece of s*** running the country! at least we have 2 more months of bush.
- ____________ is saying "RIP America". 1776-2008.
- ____________ feels like it's a sad day to be an American.
- ____________ is absolutely ashamed of her country. i hate America.

you get the gist. you've seen these, or talked to people who feel as if the world is sure to end over the next four years. the truth is, we don't know what's coming. a lot of us are scared of change because change can be good or bad. either way, our lives will radically change as a result of this election. regardless of how you feel about the outcome, at least try to be classy - please. over the past eight years with bush, i have really been able to see the lack of respect for the office of the president. there is a way to express disapproval without lashing out with low blows. there is a way to seek the change YOU want without being dramatic and immature. if obama's term is unsuccessful for america - conservatives, you will have another conservative president in four years. but for now, all we can do is sit in waiting for what will happen in america over the next few years. we can be respectful. a good friend of mine said it best: "i congratulate president-elect obama and i ask that republicans not to be angry and democrats not to gloat because we are all americans". we need to unite and support obama at this point - he is our new president. sitting and whining about things getting bad won't contribute positive change in america. and although i don't agree with a lot of obama's political ideas, i will respect him like any other president of the united states deserves to be respected.

the most wonderful time of the year.

most people would say that it's christmas - but i really don't think it gets much better than this!

out of control.

today, i have nothing insightful to say. just a short and simple question. what has our world come to when people are stealing gasoline out of cars? yesterday, i was the victim of siphoning. it's sad that we're going to have to move to lockable gas caps to ensure that this doesn't happen. but...really? is this happening?

i find myself wondering day to day when the gas crisis will end. i'm hesitant to fill up on any occasion because i seem to keep fooling myself into thinking that prices will go down. that is, if i even have the opportunity to purchase gasoline at all. the majority of gas stations in clemson have been out of gas on a consistent basis over the past two weeks. it's kind of scary driving around town on an empty tank, not knowing if there is a gas station within reach. when will it stop?

a transition.

so it's been a while. since my last update, i left my summer home and moved back in my new apartment in clemson. although i missed the south, i wasn't quite ready to leave dc. i made some amazing friends and had some of the best times of my life. although entering college is supposed to be "a new adventure", i never really felt too much of a cultural change when i came to clemson as a freshman. it was a lot like weddington. i have never felt particularly challenged to explore who i am as an individual. it was easy for me to come to clemson and blend in with all the other white middle-class kids. the lack of diversity at clemson really stood out to me after spending a few months in a city that has all different kinds of people. as i grew closer to some of the people i lived with, i realized that i had always been so stuck in my way of thinking that i had never really opened up my mind and asked myself "what do i think about this issue?". i had always adopted the religious and political views of my family and everything outside of that was wrong. although i feel just as strongly (if not more) about my faith, i am for the first time exploring my political views. for this, i have to thank the guys who came in my room every night to debate. it really got me thinking.

as i prepared to leave the city, i wrapped up my job, started "packing" my things (throwing everything into the back of my car) and said goodbye to new friends. i hate saying goodbye, especially when i know that things will never be able to be the same again. even if some of us go back next summer, there will never again be a summer just like 2008. i loved it. i fell in love with the city, the people...everything. as i left the city, i drove over the potomac river one more time. from this particular bridge, you could see the washington monument, part of the capitol building and the lincoln memorial. although i drove across this bridge every day, it never ceased to inspire me. each day, i looked at this view and felt the exact same way. i didn't want to leave, but (cliche as this is) all good things must come to an end.

and it did. i moved back in at clemson. things were just as i had left them. my room was completely covered in dust. as i tried to get my things together to move, i came across things i didn't know i had - clothes i thought i'd lost, my passport, a pile of change left in my room by a certain roommate, dishes that hadn't been washed, a few pairs of socks that weren't mine and a mess of old pictures. i packed all these things up and hauled them over to the other side of my apartment complex. as i stood in my empty old apartment, i realized (once again) that there were countless memories there. memories i had to leave behind. it's hard moving on to the next stage in life when you know things can't be the same - or at least that's how it is for me.



i've been thrown full-force back into my life here. i'm keeping busy with class, i'm working everyday, trying to have a life as well. things are different though. not a bad different, but just different. i miss dc. i miss being in a place that i can't completely grasp - a city where you could be walking down to the street and suddenly, be bombarded with naked bike protesters. things like this would never and will never happen in clemson, sc. and...i miss it. life is good to me though. i am learning things - i'm realizing that i do not have all the answers and that i cannot have all the answers i want now. but i feel peace. time keeps moving on.

weakness.

the other night, i was walking in georgetown with a few friends when we passed a homeless man, lying on the brick sidewalk with his eyes rolled back in his head. my first thought was "he's having a seizure, someone needs to call the ambulance". there were hundreds of people walking by this man, looking at him, continuing on their way. it was startling to me that even in this moment of concern, my thought was "SOMEONE needs to call the ambulance", not "i should call the ambulance".

the bystander effect - the psychological phenomenon in which someone is less likely to intervene in an emergency situation when other people are present and able to help than when he or she is alone. it's the diffusion of responsibility that causes people to keep walking by, thinking "someone else will help". in addition to this, bystanders monitor the reactions of other people in an emergency situation to see if others think that it is necessary to intervene. for example, on this night, hundreds of people walked by, looking at him...looking at others...looking for the correct way to respond to the situation. because no one was taking action, others were not motivated to take action either. it was assumed that the situation did not warrant help. this fascinates me. the concept of pluralistic ignorance. we've seen it so many times in our world's history. the rise of the nazis. the brutal murder of kitty genovese in queens as dozens watched. the 20-year-old girl in kansas stabbed to death in a convenience store as people walked over her to get to the check-out line. one woman even took a picture with her cell phone. when grouped together, people tend to conform to that group. they act the way a group acts. and in these situations, they react the way the group acts - inaction. we should take more action to be sure that we do not fall captive to one of humanity's greatest weaknesses.

pollen count's up.

The other morning, I woke up, got ready for my day, and hopped on the elevator to begin my morning commute. As the door was closing, a woman jumped in at the very last minute. I was standing patiently waiting for the elevator to reach the basement. I did not say anything, besides a cordial "hello". You can choose to have painfully awkward silence...OR you could opt for the painfully awkward conversation. On this particular morning, I did not have a choice.

This woman was jabbering on about any topic she could think of. As a general principle, elevator conversation SHOULD be confined to relatively uncontroversial topics which can be discussed to a satisfying depth in the minutes it takes to travel between floors. Such topics include but are not limited to the weather, matters related to the building in which the elevator is located, major sporting events, and the local sports team’s run up to the playoffs. On this particular morning, weather was the topic of conversation. It's always fascinated me how people talk about weather when they feel awkward, or when they feel as if they have nothing else of value to say.

In fact, in an article written by Trevor A. Harley in 2003, the British are notorious for striking up conversation about weather with strangers. Weather is a safe topic for conversation, especially in an elevator, because it does not delve into sensitive or deep personal matters. There are several reasons why weather is such a popular topic of conversation. - its unpredictability, variability, enviromental prominence and importance and impersonal nature. You can talk about what the weather is going to be like in the near future, extreme weather events, and you can also reminisce about past weather. Lucky for me, I got to enjoy all three tidbits of information while riding five floors down to the basement. The conversation started off with "So, it's supposed to be a lot cooler outside today". That led to a period of reminisicing about how hot and miserable it's been in the city over the past few weeks. Then...silence. Until I heard her awkward farewell as she stepped off the elevator onto the first floor. "Okay, I'm off, have a great day - oh and by the way the pollen count is up! My allergies are killing..." (elevator door shut)

I love watching the silly things people do when they feel awkward...talking about weather, pretending they are on their cell phones, fidgeting, stumbling over their words, eye contact avoidance...I love it.

the search.

once again, i'm finding that unloading my mind before starting work is the best policy. except...i'm pretty sure that blogging at work would be against policy - but that's not the point. it's 9:30 in the morning and my mind is going 1,000 miles per hour. i am just coming off of an amazing weekend with a few amazing people. it evoked the thought of something different and something new...about moving forward and taking chances. and, as usual, change is something that scares me; it's something that put me in a place of discomfort and uncertainty. however, surprisingly, i am finding that this change is one that i am not unsure of. i'm sorting through some things on my own, but i am happy. and after all, isn't happiness what we're all searching for?

real, actual work.

"Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour. Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work." Office Space

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I'm having a slow morning at work. I've only been here for about an hour but I feel highly unmotivated to do any work. I have a huge stack of patient files sitting next to me at my desk, but I am thinking about way too many other things to be wholly devoted to them. I'm feeling like I'm just ready for tomorrow to be here - tomorrow starts the weekend that I've been awaiting for five weeks.

On a completely different note, I have realized over the past few days how I do not still hold the strictly conservative values that I used to. This hit me at about 10pm the other night, when I kicked a boy out of my room for being obnoxiously conservative. The 17-year-old version of me would not have done that. The 17-year-old version of me would not have been caught dead in an Obama t-shirt. I guess we all change, don't we?

Back to work. Or rather, starting work. So exciting.

nude cyclist day.

i live in a strange place. on saturday, i was out walking around the national mall on a day that was far too hot for me to handle. as i was standing, waiting to cross at 17th and constitution, i saw perhaps the most disturbing thing i've ever seen. nude cyclists. not one, not two but perhaps 100 nude cyclists. and they all seemed to be old sweaty men, riding around on a hot day...naked...headed to the white house to protest and call george bush a terrorist.

immediately after this fiasco, i witnessed the trashiest catfight i've ever seen. 17th street is trouble. one woman was wearing a leopard skin skirt. the other woman looks like her mother. neither one of them could throw a punch if their lives depended on it. but then again, i probably couldn't either. especially against my mother. she'd have me beat.

these two strange events made me realize how much my eyes are being opened while living here...and it's only been two weeks since i've been living in the city. as much as i loved growing up in weddington, nc - there was absolutely no diversity. my high school was predominantly white, most of whom were southern baptist or methodist. in fact, most of us went to the same church. i am saddened to say that i can't really remember having any close friends of another race or religion. and for this reason, i was not gaining any kind of insight or appreciation for how other people live their lives. people who aren't exactly like me. even the people i live and work with here in dc are so different and i love it. we are all from separate parts of the country, different races, different languages. some of them are jewish, some of them like shrooms, some of them like obama and some of them like mccain. some of them swear like sailors and others are innocent and sweet as can be. i have never been in the midst of such diversity...even at clemson...and it makes me realize how much i've missed out. i'm also very excited to see how my viewpoints and who i am as a person will change this summer as a result of this whole experience. it's going to be hard to leave at the end of the summer. i am loving all that i am learning here.

new friends.

it's been a while since my last entry. i am all settled into my apartment in dc and i've been meeting so many different people - new york, montana, nevada, colorado, california, illinois, indiana, wyoming, puerto rico...the list goes on and on. our group started out with just two people and has now grown to well over twenty people, all living on my floor. a couple of weeks ago, i wasn't so sure i'd be able to find my nitch down here - i felt like i would likely be alone in the city all summer, but now i am dreading the end of the summer when i will leave all these people. sure, there will be things to look forward to at the end of the summer. like getting back to clemson, moving in with new roommates, seeing faces that i've been missing for the whole summer. but so much of me is loving being here - it's so new and different from everything i've ever known. they joke with me about being southern...in fact, when i entered a room last night, they said "hey y'all, want some sweet tea?" (they think they're funny). i can't say the city life is something that i'm used to. the traffic, the noise, the humidity (well, yeah. we have that too), the metro system, and pedestrian crosswalks. my roommate, sara, got here on saturday and she is absolutely amazing. we're a lot alike. in fact, the first day she got here, we were already joking and and being sarcastic. i think i really lucked out. :)

i'm so looking forward to the weekend - sleeping in, frolicking with my friends here and KELLY FREAKING RUSSELL. yay. and next weekend. doug and jeff and coming up to visit and that has been a long awaited visit. i cannot wait. literally. i can't.

it's about that time for me to head off to work, but i will update soon. i miss you.

people watching.

so, being the aspiring psychologist that i am, i started my day off with a conscious decision to watch people. i made this decision as i began my morning commute. as i've said before, the drivers i've encountered since i've been here have been out of control. i watched quite a few road rage-filled drivers make their feelings known. i saw women putting on their mascara, a man reading an issue of the latino newspaper, and one young woman was actually singing and dancing on her way to work this morning. okay...that was me. but that's not my point. i'd say it's a safe assumption to say that in general, people want to please other people. no one wants to make terrible impressions. thus, i believe that many times, people harness their angry feelings in order to not let their anger out in front of a crowd of strangers. other people react differently. due to my inability to read in motion, i am left with nothing to do on the metro. except watch people. and it's funny what people will do when they think you're not watching. i witnessed a grown woman throw a temper tantrum on the phone (i'm assuming with her husband) like a 6-year old this morning. she was even whining, "it's not fair, it's not fair" then suddenly, click. phone conversation over. after she hung up, she began a series of what i like to call "angry mumbles". it's something that i'm pretty sure that dane cook would make fun of. she is making angry facial expressions while pacing around in the metro car, mumbling to herself about how "it's not fair" and how stupid "he" is being. bet she didn't even know i was watching. if she had, i think she would have reacted differently. she would have tried to cover up her anger and "be the bigger person". after all, in our innate human nature, social desirability is what we all strive to achieve, right? but sometimes i just wonder why we care about what strangers think of us. these are people that we will, in all likelihood, never run into again. and what is it about social desirability that makes us care so much? are we scared that people will gain an insight into who we really are? are we scared that they won't accept the person they see? it's a question that i'm pretty sure will never be answered. it is what it is.

just watch the fireworks.

i haven't written in a few days for several reasons. the first being that i'm too tired to think about blogging. the second reason is that i haven't really had much to say. instead of saying a lot, i've been observing. and here's what i've seen:

1) i had never agreed with the stereotype about maryland drivers. i can now say, with absolute certainty, that those stereotypes are true. in the past seven days since i've been here, there have been three occasions that i've nearly died.

2) i do not like the metro anymore. i used to have an odd sort of fascination with it. but no, not anymore. people are rude and terrible...and grabby when it's crowded.

3) random approach from strangers. on thursday morning, i was sitting on a nearly empty train and a little boy named jaden asked if he could sit with me. he could sit anywhere on the train but he sat next to me. and he didn't even say a word. in addition to this, the man sitting next to me on the train home was reading a kama sutra book. i wasn't sure how to feel about that.

4) my lack of knowledge of the boston red sox is astounding.

it's been a strange and bizarre week. i miss clemson. i miss pasta and untitled playlists. i miss riding bicycles on the library bridge. i miss playing horse and funfetti cookies. but despite all of this, i rather like it here. my first week of work went well, and i'm starting to settle in to the routine. this summer holds a lot of opportunities for me. but i do miss familiarity...

unfamiliar places.

it's a rainy monday here in the land of mary. as i sat in rush hour traffic this morning going into dc, i realized that for the first time, i am completely out of my comfort zone...in a place that is almost completely foreign to me, by myself. at that moment, i realized that there were only 2 things that were familiar to me. an amazing mix that was made for me by someone really awesome...and my brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts.

i'm pretty sure i did a statewide tour of maryland today, by myself. and unguided. from middletown, to rockville, to annapolis. i got an awkward office tour, sat through a staff meeting that sounded like jibberish, had a needle inserted in my forearm...and got sneezed on by a 7-year old child named garrett. although it was a rainy day, my umbrella was broken, i had no clue were i was going, and i'm missing familiarity already - i'm glad that i'm taking a step out into the unknown. it's a scary thing...something we're all faced with eventually.

on a completely different note, i am finding that things are finally falling into place. after all the times that i felt unsure that they would, it's finally happening. clemson is home. i have an internship doing something i'm passionate about. i have some amazing people in my life that fill my heart with joy. wow. just wow. and in these unfamiliar places, those things stand out even more in my mind than they ever have before.

the ramblings of my tired head.

in just one short week, i will be embarking on my new adventure. as excited as i am to have the opportunity to work in dc this summer, i am really not wanting to leave clemson yet. yesterday morning, i woke up to find kristin's room completely empty and it made my heart frown. ah. i am really not ready for this year to be over.

it's five o'clock in the morning. these are the ramblings of my tired head. i am sunburned, sore throat, exhausted, anxious, and so freakin' excited about life all at once.

there are so many new and amazing things happening right now that it's crazy. some of these things, i will be leaving behind for the summer. and some of these things, i will collide head-on with each day. either way, all i can do is embrace these sweet changes and be thankful.

i realize that this makes little sense to those who are reading this...and that's okay. wherever you may be right now - whatever opportunities stand in front of you...embrace those things. they are fleeting. never again will there be a moment just like now. whether you are in clemson, greenville, maryland, north dakota or maine...enjoy what's right in front of you. enjoy right now.

i'm on the verge.

it's that same feeling i've always felt. the last few days of school. on the verge of something more, not knowing what is next.

fifth grade: i remember anxiously awaiting the end-of-the-year dance. i was so ready to be done with elementary school and on to bigger and better things...middle school...yeah, right.

eighth grade: kelly and i started pretending like we were in high school during may of our 8th grade year. we went to senior high bible study. we were almost in high school...at the peak of our "oh my gosh" lives.

twelfth grade: oh senioritis. you're "almost done" but unfortunately, you've already checked out. that was the strongest that feeling has ever been for me. in fact, i believe that on february 15, 2006 (the day i got my acceptance letter from clemson), my mind was no longer in weddington. i was on the verge of something more, not knowing what to expect. knowing great things were to come.

and...right now. finishing up my last two exams of sophomore year. halfway done with my undergraduate career. moving out of 102G (so sad). i feel like a blinked and suddenly, all this time has passed. no more hassle with psych 310. no more thumping bass from weasel. no more dance parties in the kitchen. no more creeping up on alex. no more chasing after the ice cream truck.

i am on the verge of something more, anxiously awaiting the summer and my internship in dc. living on capitol hill and hopefully going to a barbeque with george bush. and even though it's just for the summer, i'm not wanting to leave clemson. it has finally become my home. but i am finally starting to believe what they say...time really does move by faster each year.

doubting thomas.

the story begins about 2 months in a hospital waiting room. i am nervously waiting to hear that my father has made it out of surgery safely. i'm trying to distract myself with schoolwork and internship applications, but my mind is somewhere else. finally, the nurse comes over to reassure us that the surgery has gone well and that he is going to be just fine. we sigh with relief.

one week later, our world was turned upside down. he was rushed back to the hospital, due to complications with the surgery, in toxic shock. it was a wednesday. i remember crying myself to sleep that night, worried about him. for about two weeks, we weren't sure if he was going to be okay. the doctors said he was lucky to even be alive. it was the most scared and helpless that i have ever felt.

during this time, i struggled with God. i didn't know why he was letting this happen. dad kept telling me that he knew he was going thru it all for a reason. but for some reason, i did not believe it. more than that, i did not want to hand my worries over to God, for fear that "God's plan" would not line up with my own, which was of course, for dad to be okay...for our family to be back to normal.

little did i know, while i was doubting, God was working. he's taught me how much he loves me and my family, through healing dad and getting him better. he's been teaching me that as much as i want something, it cannot work out unless it is right and it is in his timing. he's been teaching me that he is faithful, even when i doubt him. he's been teaching me that he has amazing plans for my life, even when i doubt myself.

but most of all, he has taught me to believe when i have no reason to. over these past few weeks, he has been good and faithful. he has blessed me beyond belief.

this past monday, i was driving and thinking. it's one of my favorite things to do but since i've left weddington, i don't seem to set aside time for it anymore. as i was thinking, i realized that i had been trying to get my life in order on my own weak efforts. and it wasn't working. i remember telling God that day that i had been selfish and that i had not been trusting him with anything these past few months. i knew i wanted him to be in control, because i always seem to mess things up on my own. two days later, after months of seeking plans for this summer, i received a phone call and an internship offer in washington, dc this summer. coincidence? i think not.

this semester has been trying on my soul, that's for sure. but suddenly, i am gaining clarity. i am seeing the fruit of God's goodness. makes me wonder why i doubt him.

"i’m a doubting Thomas, i can’t keep my promises cause i don’t know what’s safe. oh me of little faith..." nickel creek