the story begins about 2 months in a hospital waiting room. i am nervously waiting to hear that my father has made it out of surgery safely. i'm trying to distract myself with schoolwork and internship applications, but my mind is somewhere else. finally, the nurse comes over to reassure us that the surgery has gone well and that he is going to be just fine. we sigh with relief.
one week later, our world was turned upside down. he was rushed back to the hospital, due to complications with the surgery, in toxic shock. it was a wednesday. i remember crying myself to sleep that night, worried about him. for about two weeks, we weren't sure if he was going to be okay. the doctors said he was lucky to even be alive. it was the most scared and helpless that i have ever felt.
during this time, i struggled with God. i didn't know why he was letting this happen. dad kept telling me that he knew he was going thru it all for a reason. but for some reason, i did not believe it. more than that, i did not want to hand my worries over to God, for fear that "God's plan" would not line up with my own, which was of course, for dad to be okay...for our family to be back to normal.
little did i know, while i was doubting, God was working. he's taught me how much he loves me and my family, through healing dad and getting him better. he's been teaching me that as much as i want something, it cannot work out unless it is right and it is in his timing. he's been teaching me that he is faithful, even when i doubt him. he's been teaching me that he has amazing plans for my life, even when i doubt myself.
but most of all, he has taught me to believe when i have no reason to. over these past few weeks, he has been good and faithful. he has blessed me beyond belief.
this past monday, i was driving and thinking. it's one of my favorite things to do but since i've left weddington, i don't seem to set aside time for it anymore. as i was thinking, i realized that i had been trying to get my life in order on my own weak efforts. and it wasn't working. i remember telling God that day that i had been selfish and that i had not been trusting him with anything these past few months. i knew i wanted him to be in control, because i always seem to mess things up on my own. two days later, after months of seeking plans for this summer, i received a phone call and an internship offer in washington, dc this summer. coincidence? i think not.
this semester has been trying on my soul, that's for sure. but suddenly, i am gaining clarity. i am seeing the fruit of God's goodness. makes me wonder why i doubt him.
"i’m a doubting Thomas, i can’t keep my promises cause i don’t know what’s safe. oh me of little faith..." nickel creek
