let go.

nine months since my last update and life has changed. this past year has been one of tremendous self-exploration for me. if you have known me for a long time, you know that i am not the type of person to really let things get to me. however, this past year, there have been countless times that would just lay down in the grass and stare at the sky for hours, thinking about my life and how fleeting it is. although i have many strengths, i also have many faults - one of which is that i dissect everything in my life until it drives me crazy. i spend so much time feeling remorse, guilt and regret over moments that i've let pass me by, people i have hurt, and how to move forward. over the past year and a half, i do not even care to think about how much time i've spent letting life pass me by because i was so concerned with things that were out of my control. i let beautiful moments fall by the wayside because i was too busy thinking about the next moment. in this moment, i search for words to speak to the people i've hurt during this time in my life, but i realize that i can no longer meditate on this. all of us are searching for happiness - to find contentment in life through careers, friends and someone special. after several attempts at finding contentment, i've realized that i'm not going to find it when i'm looking for it. the simple fact is that i must let go and release these reigns that i've been holding for so long. as much as i may try, i realize that i cannot control my life. i must begin to expect the unexpected. i must learn that dreams sometimes fade, ambitions change, and people will come into my life and exit. i must realize that's okay. all i have is right now, and life must continue to move forward. dreams of the past may enter my mind, but i will no longer dwell insessantly on them. it's time to look forward - to dream new dreams, to search and meditate on the beautiful things in life, to find the best in the people around me and to know that one day, everything will fall into place for me. life will never be perfect, but it will be satisfying. i will set my mind on that day, for it is coming. but for now, i will savor this moment.

change.

this morning, for the first time in four years, i woke up to a song other than "wonderwall". it's something i never really noticed until i was abruptly woken up by the default verizon wireless ringtone. it was a change.

whether you are a democrat or a republican, now is the time for change. things have been the same for a really long time and a lot of people are figuring out that it is not working so well. it's time for the status-quo to be shaken up a bit. it can be a scary thing sometimes. especially now.

last night, barack obama was elected to be the 44th president of the united states. it's finally over. after everything that has gone into this election, america has spoken. and they want change. i cannot say that i am surprised at all by obama's election - not only was this victory predicted in the early polls, but i was able to see the widespread support for obama on my own college campus.

although i was not particularly pleased with the outcome of the election, i am discouraged and quite frankly, annoyed, with the way that some people have reacted to obama's victory. i think there is a way of expressing your disappointment with the election in a way that is classy and intelligent sounding. last night, when obama's victory was announced, i watched various facebook statuses change - either celebratory or in clear disagreement with the outcome.

i thought that john mccain's speech last night was one that reflected the true unity of the american people. not that i expected him to express his bitterness, but i was especially impressed by his amount of class. i can't say that i would be able to do that after such a close, intense and emotional election. however, the way some people have reacted is completely ludicrous, in my opinion. i am about to post a few of my favorite facebook statuses - i apologize if one of them is yours. truth is, i would tell you to your face how ridiculous you are being.

- ____________ is no longer proud of be an American.
- ____________ is thinking about which country he wants to move to that does not have an ignorant piece of s*** running the country! at least we have 2 more months of bush.
- ____________ is saying "RIP America". 1776-2008.
- ____________ feels like it's a sad day to be an American.
- ____________ is absolutely ashamed of her country. i hate America.

you get the gist. you've seen these, or talked to people who feel as if the world is sure to end over the next four years. the truth is, we don't know what's coming. a lot of us are scared of change because change can be good or bad. either way, our lives will radically change as a result of this election. regardless of how you feel about the outcome, at least try to be classy - please. over the past eight years with bush, i have really been able to see the lack of respect for the office of the president. there is a way to express disapproval without lashing out with low blows. there is a way to seek the change YOU want without being dramatic and immature. if obama's term is unsuccessful for america - conservatives, you will have another conservative president in four years. but for now, all we can do is sit in waiting for what will happen in america over the next few years. we can be respectful. a good friend of mine said it best: "i congratulate president-elect obama and i ask that republicans not to be angry and democrats not to gloat because we are all americans". we need to unite and support obama at this point - he is our new president. sitting and whining about things getting bad won't contribute positive change in america. and although i don't agree with a lot of obama's political ideas, i will respect him like any other president of the united states deserves to be respected.

the most wonderful time of the year.

most people would say that it's christmas - but i really don't think it gets much better than this!

out of control.

today, i have nothing insightful to say. just a short and simple question. what has our world come to when people are stealing gasoline out of cars? yesterday, i was the victim of siphoning. it's sad that we're going to have to move to lockable gas caps to ensure that this doesn't happen. but...really? is this happening?

i find myself wondering day to day when the gas crisis will end. i'm hesitant to fill up on any occasion because i seem to keep fooling myself into thinking that prices will go down. that is, if i even have the opportunity to purchase gasoline at all. the majority of gas stations in clemson have been out of gas on a consistent basis over the past two weeks. it's kind of scary driving around town on an empty tank, not knowing if there is a gas station within reach. when will it stop?

a transition.

so it's been a while. since my last update, i left my summer home and moved back in my new apartment in clemson. although i missed the south, i wasn't quite ready to leave dc. i made some amazing friends and had some of the best times of my life. although entering college is supposed to be "a new adventure", i never really felt too much of a cultural change when i came to clemson as a freshman. it was a lot like weddington. i have never felt particularly challenged to explore who i am as an individual. it was easy for me to come to clemson and blend in with all the other white middle-class kids. the lack of diversity at clemson really stood out to me after spending a few months in a city that has all different kinds of people. as i grew closer to some of the people i lived with, i realized that i had always been so stuck in my way of thinking that i had never really opened up my mind and asked myself "what do i think about this issue?". i had always adopted the religious and political views of my family and everything outside of that was wrong. although i feel just as strongly (if not more) about my faith, i am for the first time exploring my political views. for this, i have to thank the guys who came in my room every night to debate. it really got me thinking.

as i prepared to leave the city, i wrapped up my job, started "packing" my things (throwing everything into the back of my car) and said goodbye to new friends. i hate saying goodbye, especially when i know that things will never be able to be the same again. even if some of us go back next summer, there will never again be a summer just like 2008. i loved it. i fell in love with the city, the people...everything. as i left the city, i drove over the potomac river one more time. from this particular bridge, you could see the washington monument, part of the capitol building and the lincoln memorial. although i drove across this bridge every day, it never ceased to inspire me. each day, i looked at this view and felt the exact same way. i didn't want to leave, but (cliche as this is) all good things must come to an end.

and it did. i moved back in at clemson. things were just as i had left them. my room was completely covered in dust. as i tried to get my things together to move, i came across things i didn't know i had - clothes i thought i'd lost, my passport, a pile of change left in my room by a certain roommate, dishes that hadn't been washed, a few pairs of socks that weren't mine and a mess of old pictures. i packed all these things up and hauled them over to the other side of my apartment complex. as i stood in my empty old apartment, i realized (once again) that there were countless memories there. memories i had to leave behind. it's hard moving on to the next stage in life when you know things can't be the same - or at least that's how it is for me.



i've been thrown full-force back into my life here. i'm keeping busy with class, i'm working everyday, trying to have a life as well. things are different though. not a bad different, but just different. i miss dc. i miss being in a place that i can't completely grasp - a city where you could be walking down to the street and suddenly, be bombarded with naked bike protesters. things like this would never and will never happen in clemson, sc. and...i miss it. life is good to me though. i am learning things - i'm realizing that i do not have all the answers and that i cannot have all the answers i want now. but i feel peace. time keeps moving on.

weakness.

the other night, i was walking in georgetown with a few friends when we passed a homeless man, lying on the brick sidewalk with his eyes rolled back in his head. my first thought was "he's having a seizure, someone needs to call the ambulance". there were hundreds of people walking by this man, looking at him, continuing on their way. it was startling to me that even in this moment of concern, my thought was "SOMEONE needs to call the ambulance", not "i should call the ambulance".

the bystander effect - the psychological phenomenon in which someone is less likely to intervene in an emergency situation when other people are present and able to help than when he or she is alone. it's the diffusion of responsibility that causes people to keep walking by, thinking "someone else will help". in addition to this, bystanders monitor the reactions of other people in an emergency situation to see if others think that it is necessary to intervene. for example, on this night, hundreds of people walked by, looking at him...looking at others...looking for the correct way to respond to the situation. because no one was taking action, others were not motivated to take action either. it was assumed that the situation did not warrant help. this fascinates me. the concept of pluralistic ignorance. we've seen it so many times in our world's history. the rise of the nazis. the brutal murder of kitty genovese in queens as dozens watched. the 20-year-old girl in kansas stabbed to death in a convenience store as people walked over her to get to the check-out line. one woman even took a picture with her cell phone. when grouped together, people tend to conform to that group. they act the way a group acts. and in these situations, they react the way the group acts - inaction. we should take more action to be sure that we do not fall captive to one of humanity's greatest weaknesses.

pollen count's up.

The other morning, I woke up, got ready for my day, and hopped on the elevator to begin my morning commute. As the door was closing, a woman jumped in at the very last minute. I was standing patiently waiting for the elevator to reach the basement. I did not say anything, besides a cordial "hello". You can choose to have painfully awkward silence...OR you could opt for the painfully awkward conversation. On this particular morning, I did not have a choice.

This woman was jabbering on about any topic she could think of. As a general principle, elevator conversation SHOULD be confined to relatively uncontroversial topics which can be discussed to a satisfying depth in the minutes it takes to travel between floors. Such topics include but are not limited to the weather, matters related to the building in which the elevator is located, major sporting events, and the local sports team’s run up to the playoffs. On this particular morning, weather was the topic of conversation. It's always fascinated me how people talk about weather when they feel awkward, or when they feel as if they have nothing else of value to say.

In fact, in an article written by Trevor A. Harley in 2003, the British are notorious for striking up conversation about weather with strangers. Weather is a safe topic for conversation, especially in an elevator, because it does not delve into sensitive or deep personal matters. There are several reasons why weather is such a popular topic of conversation. - its unpredictability, variability, enviromental prominence and importance and impersonal nature. You can talk about what the weather is going to be like in the near future, extreme weather events, and you can also reminisce about past weather. Lucky for me, I got to enjoy all three tidbits of information while riding five floors down to the basement. The conversation started off with "So, it's supposed to be a lot cooler outside today". That led to a period of reminisicing about how hot and miserable it's been in the city over the past few weeks. Then...silence. Until I heard her awkward farewell as she stepped off the elevator onto the first floor. "Okay, I'm off, have a great day - oh and by the way the pollen count is up! My allergies are killing..." (elevator door shut)

I love watching the silly things people do when they feel awkward...talking about weather, pretending they are on their cell phones, fidgeting, stumbling over their words, eye contact avoidance...I love it.