the search.

once again, i'm finding that unloading my mind before starting work is the best policy. except...i'm pretty sure that blogging at work would be against policy - but that's not the point. it's 9:30 in the morning and my mind is going 1,000 miles per hour. i am just coming off of an amazing weekend with a few amazing people. it evoked the thought of something different and something new...about moving forward and taking chances. and, as usual, change is something that scares me; it's something that put me in a place of discomfort and uncertainty. however, surprisingly, i am finding that this change is one that i am not unsure of. i'm sorting through some things on my own, but i am happy. and after all, isn't happiness what we're all searching for?

real, actual work.

"Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour. Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work." Office Space

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm having a slow morning at work. I've only been here for about an hour but I feel highly unmotivated to do any work. I have a huge stack of patient files sitting next to me at my desk, but I am thinking about way too many other things to be wholly devoted to them. I'm feeling like I'm just ready for tomorrow to be here - tomorrow starts the weekend that I've been awaiting for five weeks.

On a completely different note, I have realized over the past few days how I do not still hold the strictly conservative values that I used to. This hit me at about 10pm the other night, when I kicked a boy out of my room for being obnoxiously conservative. The 17-year-old version of me would not have done that. The 17-year-old version of me would not have been caught dead in an Obama t-shirt. I guess we all change, don't we?

Back to work. Or rather, starting work. So exciting.

nude cyclist day.

i live in a strange place. on saturday, i was out walking around the national mall on a day that was far too hot for me to handle. as i was standing, waiting to cross at 17th and constitution, i saw perhaps the most disturbing thing i've ever seen. nude cyclists. not one, not two but perhaps 100 nude cyclists. and they all seemed to be old sweaty men, riding around on a hot day...naked...headed to the white house to protest and call george bush a terrorist.

immediately after this fiasco, i witnessed the trashiest catfight i've ever seen. 17th street is trouble. one woman was wearing a leopard skin skirt. the other woman looks like her mother. neither one of them could throw a punch if their lives depended on it. but then again, i probably couldn't either. especially against my mother. she'd have me beat.

these two strange events made me realize how much my eyes are being opened while living here...and it's only been two weeks since i've been living in the city. as much as i loved growing up in weddington, nc - there was absolutely no diversity. my high school was predominantly white, most of whom were southern baptist or methodist. in fact, most of us went to the same church. i am saddened to say that i can't really remember having any close friends of another race or religion. and for this reason, i was not gaining any kind of insight or appreciation for how other people live their lives. people who aren't exactly like me. even the people i live and work with here in dc are so different and i love it. we are all from separate parts of the country, different races, different languages. some of them are jewish, some of them like shrooms, some of them like obama and some of them like mccain. some of them swear like sailors and others are innocent and sweet as can be. i have never been in the midst of such diversity...even at clemson...and it makes me realize how much i've missed out. i'm also very excited to see how my viewpoints and who i am as a person will change this summer as a result of this whole experience. it's going to be hard to leave at the end of the summer. i am loving all that i am learning here.

new friends.

it's been a while since my last entry. i am all settled into my apartment in dc and i've been meeting so many different people - new york, montana, nevada, colorado, california, illinois, indiana, wyoming, puerto rico...the list goes on and on. our group started out with just two people and has now grown to well over twenty people, all living on my floor. a couple of weeks ago, i wasn't so sure i'd be able to find my nitch down here - i felt like i would likely be alone in the city all summer, but now i am dreading the end of the summer when i will leave all these people. sure, there will be things to look forward to at the end of the summer. like getting back to clemson, moving in with new roommates, seeing faces that i've been missing for the whole summer. but so much of me is loving being here - it's so new and different from everything i've ever known. they joke with me about being southern...in fact, when i entered a room last night, they said "hey y'all, want some sweet tea?" (they think they're funny). i can't say the city life is something that i'm used to. the traffic, the noise, the humidity (well, yeah. we have that too), the metro system, and pedestrian crosswalks. my roommate, sara, got here on saturday and she is absolutely amazing. we're a lot alike. in fact, the first day she got here, we were already joking and and being sarcastic. i think i really lucked out. :)

i'm so looking forward to the weekend - sleeping in, frolicking with my friends here and KELLY FREAKING RUSSELL. yay. and next weekend. doug and jeff and coming up to visit and that has been a long awaited visit. i cannot wait. literally. i can't.

it's about that time for me to head off to work, but i will update soon. i miss you.

people watching.

so, being the aspiring psychologist that i am, i started my day off with a conscious decision to watch people. i made this decision as i began my morning commute. as i've said before, the drivers i've encountered since i've been here have been out of control. i watched quite a few road rage-filled drivers make their feelings known. i saw women putting on their mascara, a man reading an issue of the latino newspaper, and one young woman was actually singing and dancing on her way to work this morning. okay...that was me. but that's not my point. i'd say it's a safe assumption to say that in general, people want to please other people. no one wants to make terrible impressions. thus, i believe that many times, people harness their angry feelings in order to not let their anger out in front of a crowd of strangers. other people react differently. due to my inability to read in motion, i am left with nothing to do on the metro. except watch people. and it's funny what people will do when they think you're not watching. i witnessed a grown woman throw a temper tantrum on the phone (i'm assuming with her husband) like a 6-year old this morning. she was even whining, "it's not fair, it's not fair" then suddenly, click. phone conversation over. after she hung up, she began a series of what i like to call "angry mumbles". it's something that i'm pretty sure that dane cook would make fun of. she is making angry facial expressions while pacing around in the metro car, mumbling to herself about how "it's not fair" and how stupid "he" is being. bet she didn't even know i was watching. if she had, i think she would have reacted differently. she would have tried to cover up her anger and "be the bigger person". after all, in our innate human nature, social desirability is what we all strive to achieve, right? but sometimes i just wonder why we care about what strangers think of us. these are people that we will, in all likelihood, never run into again. and what is it about social desirability that makes us care so much? are we scared that people will gain an insight into who we really are? are we scared that they won't accept the person they see? it's a question that i'm pretty sure will never be answered. it is what it is.

just watch the fireworks.

i haven't written in a few days for several reasons. the first being that i'm too tired to think about blogging. the second reason is that i haven't really had much to say. instead of saying a lot, i've been observing. and here's what i've seen:

1) i had never agreed with the stereotype about maryland drivers. i can now say, with absolute certainty, that those stereotypes are true. in the past seven days since i've been here, there have been three occasions that i've nearly died.

2) i do not like the metro anymore. i used to have an odd sort of fascination with it. but no, not anymore. people are rude and terrible...and grabby when it's crowded.

3) random approach from strangers. on thursday morning, i was sitting on a nearly empty train and a little boy named jaden asked if he could sit with me. he could sit anywhere on the train but he sat next to me. and he didn't even say a word. in addition to this, the man sitting next to me on the train home was reading a kama sutra book. i wasn't sure how to feel about that.

4) my lack of knowledge of the boston red sox is astounding.

it's been a strange and bizarre week. i miss clemson. i miss pasta and untitled playlists. i miss riding bicycles on the library bridge. i miss playing horse and funfetti cookies. but despite all of this, i rather like it here. my first week of work went well, and i'm starting to settle in to the routine. this summer holds a lot of opportunities for me. but i do miss familiarity...

unfamiliar places.

it's a rainy monday here in the land of mary. as i sat in rush hour traffic this morning going into dc, i realized that for the first time, i am completely out of my comfort zone...in a place that is almost completely foreign to me, by myself. at that moment, i realized that there were only 2 things that were familiar to me. an amazing mix that was made for me by someone really awesome...and my brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts.

i'm pretty sure i did a statewide tour of maryland today, by myself. and unguided. from middletown, to rockville, to annapolis. i got an awkward office tour, sat through a staff meeting that sounded like jibberish, had a needle inserted in my forearm...and got sneezed on by a 7-year old child named garrett. although it was a rainy day, my umbrella was broken, i had no clue were i was going, and i'm missing familiarity already - i'm glad that i'm taking a step out into the unknown. it's a scary thing...something we're all faced with eventually.

on a completely different note, i am finding that things are finally falling into place. after all the times that i felt unsure that they would, it's finally happening. clemson is home. i have an internship doing something i'm passionate about. i have some amazing people in my life that fill my heart with joy. wow. just wow. and in these unfamiliar places, those things stand out even more in my mind than they ever have before.